Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Madonna All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. Henry Youngman To attract men, I wear a perfume called' New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner This guy says,' I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said,' Oh, a gay trucker?' Judy Tenuta Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. Jean Kerr Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. Gwyneth Paltrow
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please? Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy. Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother? Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too. Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him? Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too. Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to??? Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here... but they are busy too.... Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!! Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
GeekonicsBy John WoestendiekPhiladelphia InquirerWed., January 8, 1997NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language. The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language." This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics." No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with more...
What is the best way to speak to a monster? From a long distance.
Shlomo wants to buy a parrot and goes to a pet shop to see what they have.
The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most languages. So Shlomo decides to test this out.
"Do you speak English?" asks Shlomo.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Shlomo.
"Si," replied the parrot.
"Parlez vouz Francais?" asks Shlomo.
"Oui," replied the parrot.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Shlomo.
"Ja," replied the parrot.
Shlomo pauses for a while, then
asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis,
vot you tink?"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said' Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"