Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes
What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this: Me: HelloAT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: more...
Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of
silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one
monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother
Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "
I love the delightful mashed
potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!"
Then he sat down.
Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his
turn, and said, "
I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise
them!"
Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas,
Brother Paul rose and said, "
I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
A detective can only solve a case after he's been suspended from duty.
Should you ever decide to defuse a bomb, there's no need to worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Eiffel Tower is visible from any window in Paris.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before their retirement.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince whenever a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If women are staying in a haunted house, they should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
When they are alone, all foreign people prefer to speak to each other in English.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make certain they are assigned a more...
Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you're saying.
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the darkest skinned men boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"