Special Jokes / Recent Jokes

The San Diego Padres are now offering fans a special hot dog wrapped in bacon, stuffed with onions, tomatoes, and pinto beans, and served on a potato bun smothered in mayonnaise and jalapeno sauce. It's the perfect snack for fans who love hot dogs but don't want to live to see the seventh inning.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Sale - more...

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here:' Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace. “The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the Queen. He just couldn`t think of anything that would be of interest to her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day. There was Maurice, on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with her sword more...

Santa goes into the dentist's office to get a bad tooth pulled. As he opens his mouth and the dentist is about to drill, he asks how long the procedure will take.
"You'll be out of here before you know it, and won't feel a thing - the local will last 10 minutes."
"And how much is this costing?" Santa asks.
"Rs 500" the dentist states plainly.
"Geesh," Santa grumbled, "it's a crime to be able to hold a man captive for five minutes and charge him Rs 500!"
"Then for you, I'll give you a special!" the dentist said, and Santa's face looked pleasantly relieved.
"I'll take 15 minutes to do the extraction."

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-” and he stopped.
“Except what? ” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing. ”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something! ”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis. more...