Spot Jokes / Recent Jokes

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped. Answers the door when the phone rings. Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot. As bent as a corkscrew. As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb. As happy as if he had brains. As happy as the village idiot. As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.) As much use as a lead parachute. As quick as a corpse. As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.) As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart. As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest. As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly. As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.) As thick as two short more...

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. more...

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that
is getting in the way as he "helps. 17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from more...

Although fishing season hasn't opened and he has no license, the fisherman is casting for trout when a stranger approaches him and asks, "Having any luck?"
"This is a great spot. I took 12 out of here just yesterday," replies the fisherman.
"Really now. Do you happen to have any idea who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope, not really," the fisherman says.
"Well sir, meet the new game warden," he replies.
"Oh, I see," says the fisherman with a gulp. "Do you know who I am?"
"Nope, can't say as I do," answers the game warden.
"Meet the biggest liar in the county!" says the fisherman..

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?Damn, there go the lights again..."You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them."Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!Anyone see where I left that scalpel?This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.What do you mean "You want a divorce"!She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him
to take her fishing but he kept telling her
she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him
down, he consented, and early one morning they
took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish
began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a
fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After
catching their limit, Bubba said,
"Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good
luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time.
If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these
fish, we'll go home."
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
"Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all
the fish are so next time I'll know?"
"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of
the boat right down closest to the water."
"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever
seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? more...