Spread Jokes

Nearly 1,000 clerics and scholars of Islam met in Pakistan to draft a response to the Pope's accusation that Islam is a religion spread "by the sword."
In their statement, the group comments that Islam is not spread by the sword alone, but it sure helps.

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving
1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.It read:TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN, PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE, NO CIRCUS TODAY.So he sent another note down. It read:THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP, AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.To which she replied:I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'STHE BEST IN THE LAND.BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, SO DO IT BY HAND!!

How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If more...

Recently, President Clinton and Boris Yeltsin had a conference on
the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in
their countries. Yeltsin asked Clinton how he and his
administration are attempting to stop the spread of AIDS.
"We promote abstinence in the United States," Clinton told him.
"That would never work in the USSR," Yeltsin replied. "People are
going to have sex, and the government can`t do or say anything
to stop that. I want to promote the use of condoms in my
country. The problem is, we don`t have any good condom companies
in Russia."
"Well, in the US we have many condom companies, and one of the
best is Trojan," Clinton told him. "Let me give the president of
the company a call. I`ll ask him to send some condoms to you, so
you can distribute them in your country. How many do you want?"
"We`d probably need about 5 million or so to more...