Spread Jokes / Recent Jokes

Nearly 1,000 clerics and scholars of Islam met in Pakistan to draft a response to the Pope's accusation that Islam is a religion spread "by the sword."
In their statement, the group comments that Islam is not spread by the sword alone, but it sure helps.

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving
1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed.
He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and Chalking the end of his erect penis. This went on for over ten Minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed.
Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her nightdress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her lithe and curvaceous body.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the more...

It is December 30 1999 11: 00 PM, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Boris Yeltsin appear before god. God: I have called you here with me because to my opinion you are the three most important men on earth. I want you to spread the message that I will destroy the earth on January 1. I will now send you back.......... Spread the message Boris Yeltsin: He gathers his comrades and says Friends I have bad news for us: 1) God exists 2) The world will be destroyed soon Bill Clinton: Clinton gathers his staff members and senators and says I have good news and bad news: 1) The good news is that God exists 2) The bad news is that he will destroy the world Bill Gates: Gates gathers all his managers and says I just have good news for you guys: 1) I am one of the three most important people on the planet 2) The Y2K-bug is solved

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"

"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."