Spread Jokes / Recent Jokes
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife: THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD. THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED. The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read: TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN, PUT THE CANVAS AWAY. THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE, NO CIRCUS TODAY. So he sent another note down. It read: THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP, AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD. SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD. To which she replied: I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'STHE BEST IN THE LAND. BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, SO DO IT BY HAND!!
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
EAST BERNARD, TX (DWPI) -- Local barber Merton Storch revealed today that he can believe that the margarine spread "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" is not, in fact, butter. "I think it's obvious," said Storch."Butter is a creamy spread, while this crap is more like a space-age polymer." A spokesperson from Lilton Foods, responded by saying, "Well, I know *I* can't believe it's not butter." This is not the first time Storch has made a public food-related statement. In 1994, he held a press conference to announce he thought everything wasn't, in fact, "better with Blue Bonnet on it," and even demonstrated using food items such as ice cream, Jell-O, and what appeared to be a large squid.Reported by Rob Winchell
The Daily Weekly
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
There were two gay men, and one of them died from AIDS. His last wish was to be creamated and have his ashes spread in the park where he and his lover met. So after he was creamated, his lover took the urn of ashes to the park, but he couldn't spread them. He couldn't bear to part with the ashes of his lover. Then he noticed a bum sleeping on the park bench, so he explained the situation to him and asked him if he would spread the ashes.
The bum said, "For a fifth of whiskey, not only will I spread his ashes, but I'll throw in a little sermon as well." So the gay man agreed and bought the whiskey. The bum took the ashes, spread them in the wind and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if he'd stuck to pussy, he'd still be with us."
THREE GAY GUYS WERE ALL IN A CAR CRASH AND DIED. ALL THREE GUYS WERE CREMATED. THERE BOYFRIENDS WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE ASHES. THE FIRST BOYFRIEND SAID I AM GOING TO SKY DIVE AND SPREAD HIS ASHES IN THE SKY BECAUSE THATS WHAT HE LIKED. THE SECOND GUY SAID I AM GOING TO SPREAD MY BOYFRIENDS ASHESIN THE SEA BECAUSE IT'S WHAT HE LIKED. THE THIRD GUY SAID I'M GOING TO PUT MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES IN A BOWL OF CHILI SO HE CAN RIP THROUGH MY ASS ONE LAST TIME!! Sent by ANTHONY