Square Jokes / Recent Jokes

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: _______________________________
Gang: ___________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13
times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he
has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to
Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks
will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more more...

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to more...

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40, 000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10, 000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per more...

A drunk, after having had one too many, called up the bartender and asked him the distance between Dalhousie Square and Ballygunge in Calcutta. The bartender, in all honesty, answered, "Why, Sir, it is 15 kilometers." The drunk then asked him the distance between Ballygunge and Dalhousie Square, which again the bartender answered as 15 kilometers. Whereupon the drunk accused the bartender of being heavy on the booze, asking how his answers could be -correct as Monday to Friday and Friday to Monday could not be the same distance.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports carand was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through herpurse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165, 000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much money.
"I make bets" the little old lady said.
"What kind of bets?" asked the bank president.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25, 000 that your balls are square."
"That's an absurd bet!"
"Well, will you take it?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25, more...

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold,
frankincense, and myrrh".

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important theological fact; there is no mention of
wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so.

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year! And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that more...