Stands Jokes / Recent Jokes
The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new version.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.
The year it was due to ship.
The 98 stands for average CPH: Crash Per Hour.
Bill Gates' age when it ships.
The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.
The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. more...
The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the easy install version of the manual.
The percentage of existing Windows programs that won't run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number MHz required for the OS to run.
Bill Gates' age when it ships.
The number of seconds before it crashes.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows 95 really stands for:
The year it was due to ship.
So this guy wants to find a gimmick so he finds a gimmick selling tooth brushes. At one of the conventions one of the guys said i sold 5 thousand tooth brushes and the other guy said i sold 10 thousand tooth brushes and then the gimmick guy stands up and says i sold 4 tooth brushes. One of the guys says just 4. yup just 4 he replies. so after the convention the manager talks to him and says hey you gotta find a gimmick ya know we all got gimmicks, so he says ok. And in the next convention one guy says i sold 50 thousand tooth brushes and the other guy says i sold 100 thousand tooth brushes and the gimmick guy stands up and says well i sold 4 million tooth brushes and the worker says you mean 4? NO, 4 million so the worker asked well how did you do that? Well i went to the mall set up a stand got some chips and some dip. a shopper tastes and says " wow this tastes like shit. The gimmick guy replies it is wanna buy a toothbrush?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
Note: SAS is a more...
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her. ”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! ” she screamed.
That’s funny, ” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her too! ”
I’m Cured!
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out. “You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I’ll beat the shit out of you…”
The man begins crying. “I’m sorry! Its ruining my life. I can’t sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It’s worrying me to death, please don’t hit me…”
The bar more...