Stands Jokes / Recent Jokes
21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM! EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of more...
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No more...
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, can’t find hole, rips shorts.
Sociable: Joins friends in pee, whether he has to go or not.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on left, pees into one in center.
Timid: Can’t urinate if someone else is watching, flushes urinal anyway.
Indifferent: If all urinals are being used, pees in sink.
Clever: No hands. Shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pees on floor.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been doing, makes a quick inspection.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly.
Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants.
Disgusted: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
Sneaky: Farts silently while peeing, acts very innocent, knows that the man in the next stall will be blamed.
Childish: Leaks directly into the urinal bottom, likes to watch bubbles.
Patient: Stands very more...
A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.
There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90-year-old more...
An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter." The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there. The clerk asks the old woman, "is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?". The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says "no, thank you, son. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them".
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES! ”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says “Hey! I resent that! ”
So the first man asks, “Why? Are you a lawyer? ”
“NO! I’m an asshole! ”
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her more...