States Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four delegates from China, Russia, the United States and Malaysia attended the United Nations' Meeting. All the nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2000. Here are some of the conversations: China Delegate:' By the year 2000, China will start their moon exploration project.' Russian Delegate:' We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon.' Bill Clinton:' We the United States will also explore the moon for second time.' Malaysian Delegate:' By the year 2000, Malaysia will explore the sun.' There was a long silence, Bill Clinton stood up and asked the Malaysia Delegate:' Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?' Malaysian Delegate (smiling):' I had this thought out already. We will do it in the evening.'

President Bush has signed an order asserting the United States' right to deny adversaries access to space for hostile purposes. Bush also said the United States would oppose the development of treaties or other restrictions that seek to prohibit or limit U.S. access to or use of space.
---Hmmmm. We've heard this kind of talk before. Did someone find oil in space? Or has Haliburton developed some space-based item or service they can overcharge the government for in a no-bid contract? I say slow down, Mr. President. You still have plenty of places to attack on earth. Maybe just take a deep breath and rent a copy of "Moonraker" for now.

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride. A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on. As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front o f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," more...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.
Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.
They hurried over to surround the man's tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep.
Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"Yep."Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope.
They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting more...

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

' We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

' Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done more...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had, covertly, funded a project with U. S. auto makers for the past 5 years. The auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs in an effort to determine the circumstances of fatal accidents in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61. 2 percent of fatal crashes were,? Oh Shit!?

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Illinois, Oregon, and Texas were different, where 89. 3 percent of the final words were:? Hold my beer. I? m gonna try somethin.?

REDMOND, Wash. - June 1, 2001 - In direct response to the recent decision handed down by the Court of Appeals agreeing with the decision of the lower court on the case presented by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President George Bush, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2002 at the latest", according to Microsoft President Steve more...