States Jokes / Recent Jokes

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work. There are 2, 500, 000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers. However, 450, 000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50, 000 to do the work. Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49, 998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

A typical American's lifestyle -

"He drove his German car made of Swedish steel and interior of Argentine
leather to a gasoline station, where he filled up with Arab oil shipped in a
Liberian tanker and bought two French tires, composed of rubber from Sri
Lanka."

"At home, he dropped his Moroccan briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed coat,
removed his Italian shoes and Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a Hong Kong
robe and matching slippers from Taiwan."

"More comfortable now, he poured a cup of hot Brazilian coffee into an
English coffee mug, set a Mexican placemat on an Irish linen tablecloth atop
a Danish table varnished with linseed oil from India."

Then he filled his Austrian pipe with Turkish tobacco, lit it, and picked up
a Japanese ball-point pen with which he wrote a letter to his congressman
demanding to know why the United States has an unfavorable balance more...

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do more...

A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I`m suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," more...

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Bill, Al, and Hillary all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching Heaven, they are escorted as important personages directly to see God. God looks at Bill and asks, "Bill, you've sinned a great deal. Why should I allow you to enter into Heaven?"
"Well, gee, God," replies Bill, "I'm the Pres-ee-dent of the United States. I've been trying to help people - you know give them universal health care and protect them from those mean-spirited Republicans who want to starve their children and throw sick old people out into the street."
God considers this a moment and says, "Oh, okay. Sit over here on my left." He turns to Al. "Al, why should I let you into Heaven?"
"Well, Lord, I'm the Vice President of the United States. I've tried to protect the environment from abuse by those mean-spirited Republicans and even wrote a very important book about it."
God thinks a moment and says, "All right. Sit over here on my more...