States Jokes / Recent Jokes

A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, "At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class."
"Yeah dad..." replies the kid..."and at yours, he was the President of the United States!"

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, “That’s one. ” The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two! ” He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s more...

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign"This is a great day for France!"--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?. .. I bet if they did, I hope I would say,' Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex. .. uh... setbacks." --George Bush"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a more...

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

'It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth', said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,' It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone'.

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be' minimal'. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by' Q4 1999 at latest', according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had' willingly and enthusiastically' accepted a position as a more...

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Dear China,

We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan... since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.

We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this more...

Fred and his family, including his mother-in-law, were vacationing in the Middle East. While they were visiting Jerusalem, Fred's mother-in-law died.
With her death certificate in hand, Fred went to the American Consulate Office to arrange to have her body sent back to the States for proper burial.
After hearing of the mother-in-law's death, the Consul told Fred that it would be extremely expensive to have the body returned to the States for burial. The Consul advised him that it could cost as much as $5000.
Continuing, the Consul said, "In most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. The cost for that would be approximately $200."
Fred thought about it for a short time and replied, "It doesn't matter what the cost will be to send the body back, that's definitely what I want to do."
"You must have loved your mother-in-law very deeply considering the difference in price," said the more...

Marketing is a foreign language unto itself:
GM cars: Originally sold in Belgium using the slogan, "Body by Fisher," which translated as "Corpse by Fisher."
The Jotter: A pen made by Parker. In some Latin countries, jotter is slang for "jockstrap."
Puffs tissues: In Germany, puff is slang for "whorehouse."
Cue toothpaste: Marketed in France by Colgate-Palmolive until they learned that Cue is also the name of a popular pornographic magazine.
Schweppes Tonic Water: The company changed the name from Schweppes Tonic Water to Schweppes Tonica when they learned that in Italian, "il water" means "the bathroom."
The Ford Caliente: Marketed in Mexico, until Ford found out "caliente" is slang for "streetwalker." Ford changed the name to S-22.
The Rolls-Royce Silver Myst: In German, mist means "human waste." (Clairol's Mist Stick curling iron had the same problem.)
Laying more...