Steps Jokes / Recent Jokes

The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there's so much difficulty in communicating with each other.The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupiedThe Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a passThe Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and more...

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and more...

Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, 'Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're ready to collapse.'
He sighs and says, 'After the game, Flo.'
Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. 'Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks.'
He sighs and says, 'Darn it, Flo, I'm a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.'
Flo counters: 'Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won't shut.'
Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, 'You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?'
She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. 'I need to cool down,' he says. 'I'm going out.'
Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and more...

For women - Helpful info.
For men - For the woman in your life.
PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that more...

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party more...

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office
to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.
"What is it?" the President yells..
"It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks..
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season.
The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something..
Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field..
The stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said,
Throw the first PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken and fish..
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says..
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks..
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking more...

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."