Steve Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Steve's power mower broke down, his wife, Anna, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Steve kept putting off the repairs.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When Steve arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Steve watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her,' are you Steve's widow?'
' Widow?', she said,' no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, more...

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of more...

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.

2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?

3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?

5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!

6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?

7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain more...

Steve wrote home.' I'm glad you named me Steve,' he said in the letter.' Why?' asked his mother in her reply.' Because that's what all the kids at camp call me,' he wrote back.