Stomach Jokes / Recent Jokes

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:
1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp - forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets - 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 more...

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of your energy."
"I should be in charge!" demanded the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral Of The Story: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just more...

All the parts of the body where having a meetin, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge" said the barin, "becouse I run all the body's system, and without me, nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge" said the blood,"because I circulates oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
I should be in charge,"said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
I should be in charge" said the legs," because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
I should be in charge" said the eyes,"because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge,"said the rectum, because I'm responsible for waste rectum and all the other body parts laughed at the recum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the barin had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got more...

Once Banta Singh goes to dinner with his friends.Just to have some fun one of his friends ask's Banta, "How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?". For which Banta answers promptly - "8 idlis".
His friends laugh at him and say, nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.
Banta enjoys the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, "How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?". She replies - "5 idlis".
Hearing this answer Banta gets furious and replies, "You fool! Had you said '8 idlis' I would have told you a good joke!"

there was once a man who needed food & water in a huge forest.
the man found a hut, when he got inside he found a chinese family living living there. The chinese father of the family said he could stay on one condition that he was never to touch his daughter the man thought that was ok . while they were having the meal he could see what the chinese man ment 'cos the daughter was flirting with him . That night the man slept with the mans daughter having a night of passion and sex .
later that night the man slipped back into his own room but earlier the man warned him of the three chinese tortures. when the man woke up he had a big rock on his stomach he thought it was no big deal it said on the rock chinese torture number 1, 'big rock on stomach'so he threw the rock out of the window but the rock rolled over and it read chinese torure number 2'rock tied to left testical' so the thought adout jumping out of the window with the rock but the rock rolled over again and read chinese more...

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because more...

A woman who is pregnant with triplets is standing in line at the bank. Suddenly, the bank gets robbed and she gets shot three times in the stomach.
She's rushed to hospital and although the doctor is unable to perform surgery because of her condition, he assures her that all will be fine. "The babies are all fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. There's no need to worry though. The bullets will safely pass through their systems eventually."
Four months pass and she gives birth to two girls and a boy. Fourteen years later, one of the girls comes into the kitchen crying. "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing! I was going to the bathroom and I passed a bullet."
The mother comforts her daughter and explains all about what happened at the bank.
A couple of weeks later, the other daughter comes running up to her mother with tears streaming down her face. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"I know what happened," more...