Straight Jokes / Recent Jokes

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' more...

Just after the biggest horse race of the year, the horses that came 2nd and 3rd meet up and discuss the replay of the race. The horse that came second, a grey horse, tells the other brown horse that he doesn't undersatnd why he lost. "I was winning for most of the race, I got well ahead of everyone else and onto the last straight, when all of a sudden that black horse comes out of nowhere and blows me out of the water! I just don't understand." Just then, a dog wanders up to the horses and says "Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. I noticed that you had that large lead at the start of the race and knew straight away you were going to lose, you need to pace yourself, and because the black horse conserved his energy, but stayed just close enough to you throughout, he was able to beat you on the straight with great ease". The dog walks off and the two horses look at each other all confused. There is a short pause and the brown horse says more...

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playinglike they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband hashis lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"youre gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like youd hold your wifes breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife cant wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like youd hold your husbands penis." The wife listens carefully to the pros advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. more...

Barry and Thomas found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in town shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office.

So as Thomas waited, Barry sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the woman at the desk.

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.

"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialised in ladies' underpants." Barry proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."

"Hot damn, you mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin'!" Barry shouted.

Then Thomas sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thomas looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was a diesel fitter."

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $100 a more...

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw more...

A confused 9-year-old goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She more...