Strength Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).
The 1998 nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily more...

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, more...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he more...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the young guy replied.The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

Overheard at the bridge table:
"Lay down and let's see what you've got."
"I've got strength but no length."
"Take your hand off my trick!"
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
"Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
"I have to protect my honour now."
"Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali." The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi." This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta." Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana." Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit." Replied the other, "Santa." A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer." Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

That’s the way to do it
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength. .. and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked more...