Stuart Jokes

Bar Joke
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
>>
Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's more...

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig? The Judge said that was accurate.
"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.
The man then looked Miss Stuart directly in the eye and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"

One day, Mrs. Trimble was in terrible pain. Fortunately, old Dr. Stuart still made house calls.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Trimble, "Do you have a hammer?"
Puzzled, Mr. Trimble went into his workshop and returned with a hammer.
The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A few moments later, the doctor came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Trimble went to his workshop again and returned with a chisel.
Within the next few minutes, Dr. Stuart asked Mr. Trimble for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.
The hacksaw request really got to Mr. Trimble. "What are you doing to my wife?" he asked.
"Nothing," replied Dr. Stuart. "I can't get my medical bag open!"

"Hello, this is the help desk."
"Yes, this is Mrs. Stuart on the fourth floor. I'm calling to report a violation of company policy."
"What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Stuart?"
"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being used to look at orgies."
"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like that from being displayed."
"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the bookmarks."
"And there's a list of pornographic sites?"
"I'll say. Quite a few, actually."
"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"
"I didn't have to. They say dot O-R-G and I've been around long enough to know what that means!"

Pittsburgh infielder Gene Freese recalled a day when first baseman Dick Stuart, nicknamed Dr. Strangeglove, had a particularly trying day. Stuart had missed the first three grounders that came his way, but perfectly speared the fourth. However, in his haste to wave off the pitcher, he slung the ball down the right-field line."We'd have had the guy at third," Freese said, "But I was laughing too hard."Pirates manager Danny Murtaugh couldn't resist a jab at Dick Stuart. After the public address announcer warned fans that "Anyone who interferes with the ball in play will be ejected from the ballpark," Murtaugh replied, "I hope Stuart doesn't think that means him."