Stuff Jokes / Recent Jokes
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh..... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats! There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, the guy's got two of' em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, more...
Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and a trailer load of fertiliser.
Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys.
Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns
Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions
Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff
Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case
LAN: To borrow, as in, "Hey Dilbert! LAN me your truck!"
Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
(No offense intended or implied)
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into
the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere more...
There's this guy and one day, when he pissing, he notices that his penis is orange. He goes, "What the hell?" and he went to the doctor the next day. "Doc, why's my penis orange?" he asks. The doctor goes, "Hmm. Never seen anything like it. Here, take a couple of these pills and come back here tomorrow."
So the guy takes the pills back home and uses it that night. The next day, he goes back to the doctor and the stuff doesn't do anything. So, the doctor gives him some stronger stuff and tells him to come back the next day. He takes it home and the next day, his penis is still orange. He goes back to the doctor and he gives him the strongest stuff they have. You know, he'll be out for twelve hours and he can't eat or drink anything during that time, etc. He comes back a couple days later and his penis is still orange.
The doctor goes, "Damn. What's going on? What kind of sex have you been having?"
The guy goes, "Well, actually, I more...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The more...
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex?
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
18. OK, more...