Supermarket Jokes / Recent Jokes

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...

An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - "Crisco? Crisco? C-R-I-S-C-O!"
Finally, a clerk approached him and said, "Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven."
"Oh," the old guy said, "I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?" the puzzled clerk asked.
"Hell, no," the old guy said. "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?" asked the clerk.
"Lard Ass!" replied the old guy.

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals -"Crisco? Crisco? CRIS-CO!!!"Finally a store clerk approached."Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.""Oh," replied the old guy, "I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.""Your wife is named "Crisco?""Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.""Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?""Lard Ass!"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow”, the cop says, “oh, its only a cat”
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof”. The cop says, “its only a dog”.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “potato”

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.""But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."

*** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. ***Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog! There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror anddiscover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope... OUCH! Your tire gauge more...