Surrounded Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Indian man has spent many days crossing Montana without water.His horse dies of thirst. He's crawling through the grass, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the dirt, and discovers what looks be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Bureau of Indian Affairs badge and dull grey suit. There's
a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes.""I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a B.I.A. employee.""What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right."OK, I wish I were on a lush reservation more...

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what`s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club. So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, ofcourse by beautiful women. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks more...

The Chamber of Commerce from each state has a slogan to get you to visit their city.
Las Vegas, NV: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Hershey, PA: The sweetest place on earth.
Palm Springs, CA: Give in to the desert, you're surrounded.
And then there are some we don't hear about.
New York City: The smelliest place on earth
Los Angeles, CA: Give in to the gangmembers, you're surrounded.
Maine: What happens in Maine... Who cares? It's f**king boring as hell here.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed!"
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're doomed."

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay. .... NOW you're screwed."

[Note - a few years old, and a search didn't reveal either a copyright or an
attribution. Earliest claim I could find was dated Aug 1993 by
[email protected] - ed]
AD&D Monster Manual IV
Barney
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little children's minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil
NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8' tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000
Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the more...