Survey Jokes / Recent Jokes

The staff at a market research company is required to telephone people at home.

They are sometimes met with hostility, but one woman pleasantly agreed to help and then patiently answered all of our questions during a long 20-minute interview.

Finishing up, the interviewer asked the final question of the survey: "Do you have any comments or suggestions?"

"Yes," the woman replied, pausing for a moment. "Don't call me again."

Here is the report on our SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEY. The question was:
Is faster-than-light travel possible?
This survey drew an onslaught of opinions.
The vote was a landslide (72%) for the YES side. Thus, another controversy is put to rest. Henceforth, it will be scientifically correct to believe that faster-than-light travel is possible.
Opinions ranged from positive to negative, and from simple ("Yes") to hideously complex. While the results are interesting, the variety of methods used to obtain them is dazzling.
* * *
Some readers used fuzzy logic:
I have never really believed that light actually goes at the speed of light. Have we any proof? I worked out that it should go at root two times the speed of light (c) making the constant itself irrelevant.
-Graeme Winter
* * *
Other readers used higher-level fuzzy logic:
This is an interesting question, coincidentally I was driving through a Minnesota blizzard last week when my more...

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, Stupider now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There are drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." more...

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of more...

In one of Oprah Winfrey's talk shows, a survey was conducted among her audience. Since the subject was about ghosts she started asking her audience these survey questions: Oprah: How many of you have seen a ghost? Please stand up! Amazingly, about 20 people stood up. Oprah: Wow, isn't that really phenomenal? And now for the next question- For you guys standing up - how many of you have actually spoke to a ghost? About five stayed standing up. Oprah: (At this point, really getting tremendously excited!) Wow, imagine that? These people actually spoke to a ghost. And now for the last question, how many of you five guys have actually made love to a ghost? Four guys sat down except one, at the last row of seats. The crowd exploded. Oprah: May we call the gentleman to come to the stage please! At this the cameras focused on an aging old man and guess what, a Filipino guy. Oprah: Wow, that was unbelievable: Sir may we know who you are? Top Gun: My name is Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun for short. more...

Recently a survey was conducted by the U. N. worldwide.
The question asked was:
"For the Love of GOD Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In China they did not know what' love' meant.!!!
In Russia they did not know what' GOD' meant.!!!
In Africa they did not know what' food' meant.!!!
In Western Europe, they did not know what' shortage' meant.!!!
In Eastern Europe they did not know what' opinion' meant. !!!
In South America they did not know what' please' meant.! !!
And in the U. S. they did not know what' the rest of the world' meant! !!

A recent survey asked 5000 women if, given the opportunity, they would have sex with the president. Only 300 said "yes," while 200 said, "no," and 4500 of them said, "Never again."