Hmmm Jokes

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of more...

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, Stupider now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There are drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." more...

Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?" "That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that", says the Englishman. He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin. In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request? "Ah'll huv ma whisky back", says the Scotsman. more...

The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. " Hmmm," says the theorist, " That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason." A long logical explanation follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. " Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".

1. Extend your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Cheer and clap loudly each time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
3. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
4. Drop a marble and say, "Shit! My glass eye!"
5. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."
9. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
10. Fill a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall wall of your neighbor while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Hmmm... interesting... more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop more...