Swinging Jokes

Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey “I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end. ”
The other monkey said o. k. I’ll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can. So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees.
The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks “Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch.
So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it.
All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, “Did you see a monkey run by here? ” The monkey goes, “You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end? ” And the lion says, ”Dang it was in the paper already? ”

An unemployed actor is getting pretty desperate for work. He happens upon this guy from the zoo and he's looking for actors. The guy explains that they spent so much money on getting the habitat just right, they ran out of money to import the ape they wanted. They want to hire the actor to be that ape. Although the guy thinks this is pretty stupid, he takes the job anyway.
The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesn't look real and that no one is stupid enough to fall for this stunt. He gets bored and decides to walk around and examine his little cage. With this, he notices that people are watching his every move. He decides to give them a show. After a couple weeks, he's swinging on the poles and dancing around making a lot of gorilla noises and is drawing quite a crowd.
One day he's showing off for a group of kids. He is swinging around and around a pole when all of a sudden, his hand slips and he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lion's more...

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Q.what do you get swinging of apple trees
A.Sore arms

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."