Talk Jokes / Recent Jokes

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wifeappears out of nowhere."

The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so more...

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking."Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions."The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. "I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. more...

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY more...

You know you're not a kid anymore when...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i more...

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

An traveler decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10, 000 per call".
The traveler, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10, 000 you could talk to God.
The traveler thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10, 000 he could talk to God. "O. K., thank you," said the traveler.
He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, more...