Talk Jokes / Recent Jokes
Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with more...
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him.
"Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job."
"This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!"
"No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of' em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell' em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy' em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send' em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob.. . you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever more...
A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting their turn in the cattle chutes. They took their place in line directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion.
She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag that had a pager clipped to it.
After several minutes in line, the boy remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen"
"Sshh. You shouldn't talk about people like that. You will hurt their feelings."
After several more minutes, the boy again remarked 'Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen'
"I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it will be our turn shortly."
Just as he finished speaking, the woman's pager went off. beep .. beep .. beep .. beep
"LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"
Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril`s zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other more...