Talk Jokes / Recent Jokes

Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril`s zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other more...

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie. "What are doing here with a dog?" "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "It's true," says Bernie. "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue." "Its really true," says Bernie. "OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do." "OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the more...

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, ""Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"

The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously replied, "Yes."

"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.

Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.
"200,000," replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "Let's talk about etherial astro physics." Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else is at the door.
"Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"
The new guest responds with 250.
"Great," says Bob, "Let's talk about advanced math." Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.
Much later in the party after many more guests had arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door.
"Hi my name's Bob. Welcome to my party, what's more...

We need
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later
We need to talk
= I need to complain
You're...so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight!
= Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house
I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute
= kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt more...

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is-hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is."200,000" replies the first guest."Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"The new guest responds with "250"."Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"This more...