Taste Jokes / Recent Jokes

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

'Is that too, jeero, too, phor, phipe, eight?'
it is, madam.'
i am tasting you, sir.'
'You like my taste?'
'Hokay.'

Pigs are the fourth most intelligent animal in the world.
Pig's Tongue contains 15,000 taste buds. For comparison, the human tongue has 9,000 taste buds
Dinosaurs didn't eat grass? There was no grass in the days of the dinosaurs.
A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth? It cannot move. It cannot chew but its Digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel nail, Glass pieces, etc
Sharks are immune to disease i.e they do not suffer from any Disease.
Animals are either right- or left-handed? Polar bears are always left-handed, and so is Kermit the Frog.
Ants don't sleep.
The eyes of the chameleon can move independently & can see in two different directions at the same time.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
The highest kangaroo leap recorded is 10 ft and the longest is 42 ft
Along with its length neck, the giraffe has a very long tongue - more than a foot and a half long. A giraffe can clean its more...

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: more...

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, more...

On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher decided to do taste association with her class. "I'll blindfold you, give you a lifesaver and then you tell me what flavor it is," she instructed the students.
She gave them all a grape lifesaver and asked them what flavor it was. "Mmmmm, it's grape," the class answered.
"Very good," the teacher replied. She then gave them all a cherry lifesaver and they replied, "Mmmmm, it's cherry."
"Excellent," said the teacher. Next she gave them all a honey flavor lifesaver. The class seemed stumped by the strange taste, so the teacher said, "Ok, I'll give you a little hint. It's something your parents might call each other."
Billy immediately spit his out onto the floor and yelled, "Quick, everyone spit them out, they're ASSHOLES!"

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfected. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on more...