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A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.
The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions."
"O.K." said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T."
"That's easy", said the candidate for admission. "Today and Tomorrow."
"Hmmmm", said the angel. "Well I can't argue with that. Now for the second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
"There are twelve", said the candidate.
"Twelve?!" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?"
"Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc."
"O.K." mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first name."
"God's first name is more...

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level? A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors! Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: You can turn off a chainsaw.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle? A: You can tune a Harley.Q: What is the difference more...

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls more...

Nawaz Sherrif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Nawaz Sherrif: "Well Nawaz, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Nawaz Sherrif
"Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".
He calls Advani over and says to him
"Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your
sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!"
"Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sherrif is very impressed.
He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite
member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is more...

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Blokes and golfers need to read this! It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she more...