Temple Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three."Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read?"Goldblum shuddered.God went on, "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!"Goldblum sighed with relief."Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat. But really, serving Ham & Cheese Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"Bauman hung his head in shame."Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions."Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.Finally, He turns to the more...

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep
their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to
everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and
true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership
grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much
bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the
new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount
needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother
was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave more...

A Chinese guy bought a new car, and drove it to a temple to have it blessed. The Taoist priest chanted a mantra, stuck a paper talisman on the windscreen and sprinkled some scented water over the car. An Indian guy bought a new car, sent it to his temple - the priest chanted a prayer and sprinkled ash over the bonnet. An Eurasian bought a new car and took it to his church - the Father said a prayer, sprinkled some holy water over the car and stuck a St. Christopher medallion on the dashboard. A Malay guy bought a new car, took it to his regular mosque and the Imam chanted some prayers. Then, the Imam took a hacksaw, went to the back of the car and sawed of a part of the exhaust tailpipe.

Ways to turn men down
HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face likeyours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have more...

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: I don't know how I'm going to more...

TRADITION(Jewish Humor)
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old more...

Jewish Traditions
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man more...