Temple Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"The old man answered, "No, that more...

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.
A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in
which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend
temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a
temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives
a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a
104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple,
live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi more...

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

-- Shirley Temple

Green jell-o with carrots mixed in doesn't seem strange.

You can pronounce Tooele.

The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y.

You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot".

Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.

Hunting season is a school holiday.

The largest liquor store is the state government.

You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.

30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.

Somewhere in your family tree is a polygamist.

You know the difference between a' Steak House' and a' Stake House'.

You can see the stars at night

You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.

Your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding.

You have more children than you can find biblical names for.

Your more...

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and after having many drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"
"Yes."
"You come from Sudbury?"
"Yes."
"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"
The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"

After the sudden demise of of his good buddy, (the Elephant) the Ant thought of seeing his friend's wife, the lady elephant ("Ali Kaalla") and took a bus to her place.
Having learnt that she was not at home, the Ant thought of going to the temple to see the "Loku Hamuduruwo" to discuss about the three months arms giving of his friend - the Elephant.
When the Ant was about to enter the Temple, he realises that the Lady Elephant is already there in the temple.
HOW?
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He is seing the pair of slippers of the Lady out side the temple.

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said. .. "Repaint and thin no more."