Ten Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5, 000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man more...
Ever wondered what heaven looks like?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, more...
Stammerer: "I hea.. hea... heard tha... that you can hel... hel... help me".
Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O... one, t... two, th... th... three,. .... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H... h... how mu... mu... much?!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin. ”
“What? ” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times? ”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he more...
We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.
Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Dave, the computer guy, over to her desk. Dave clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that.. in case I need to fix it again??"
He gave her a grin, "Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before."
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
She wrote: ID10T
A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."
A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.
The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed."
Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.
The jury was instructed, filed out, and more...