Terrible Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."' No problem,' replies the doctor.' Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'What happened?' asks the doctor.'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'What was terrible?' said the doctor,' Was the sex not good?''Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. "Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first
concern. Take as much time as you need."As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?""Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.""We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?""Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful more...

IT'S A WONDERFUL MACHINE
The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
-- by David Pogue

I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night -- like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve' Jobs' Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill' Gates' Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival:' This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!'

But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking.' The press says your company is doomed!' yells one man.' You killed the clones! We're going to Windows!' calls another.' We want out of our more...

One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt.
The woman says, "In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!"
The man agrees.
The woman says, "Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration." She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away.
The man says, "Don't you want any? It was your idea."
The woman says, "No thanks, I'll wait until the police get here."

a carrot lettuce and a dick were talking
the carrot said i have a terrible life they cook me or eat me raw
the lettuce said you think you have a terrible life they cut me up and put me in salads
the dick said you think you got it bad they wrap me up put me in a dark cave and make me do 100 push-ups

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were more...

A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house, the father told his son to watch him so he would know what to do. Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she needed to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest. When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much. The old doctor said that when he dropped his pen on the floor, it was so clean there wasn`t a speck of dust anywhere. When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his turn to play doctor. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick more...