Texans Jokes

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits
down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two
guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all
of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue
(obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That
there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the
first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her
head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down
the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked,
she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, more...

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt. 45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shouted, “Hey, bud, why’d you waste that tequila? ” The Texan said, “Heck, it’s just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want. ” Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine. The patrons, upset by the casual waste and more...

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during more...

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking
beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with
busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight
to Hell.
When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in
agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one.
This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its
highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll
check on them in the morning and see how they like this." He
snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and
sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken
off their 10 gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even
rolled up his sleeves.
"Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when more...