Besides Jokes

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love more...

LEVEL 1: It’s 11: 00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! ” At level three, you love the more...

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any
other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is
home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers,
with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and
says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be
most gracious if I could
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on
one condition: You
cannot mess more...

This newlywed couple decides to go to a lake resort for their honeymoon. During check in, they explain to the desk clerk that they are on their honeymoon and would like a suite. After paying the couple heads up to their room. Only 10 minutes go by and the husband is down at the desk asking to rent a fishing pole. The clerk was shocked to see the man wanting to go fishing on his honeymoon. The clerk told the man: "I would be up there with your wife, it's your honeymoon." The man replied: "My wife has herpes, besides I really love to fish." The clerk tells the man: "There's other thing you can do on your honeymmon you know" The man replied: "I know, but she also has hemmoroids and gum disease, besides I really love to fish. The clerk then asks: "If your wife has so many things wrong with her why did you marry her?" The man replied: "She also has worms, and like I said "I really love to fish."