Thanks Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You more...

One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber's desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, "I'm doing free haircuts this week." The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.

Elton goes to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Gilbert home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and Elton says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts
I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - it'a a
hundred bucks, after all! She opens her robe and shows him one.

He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there
a while longer and Elton says "They're so beautiful I gotta see the both of
them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them
together."
Again, Nora thinks about this, then decides what the hell and opens her robe
to give Elton a nice long look. Elton thanks her and throws another 100
bucks on the more...

Banta walks into a bar for a beer and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.
When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"
Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."
Well he still hadn`t had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn`t going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, more...

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

Everyone: "Dude, I'm in town for the weekend with no plan and no money. Can I stay on your couch?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Go fuck yourself."

Me, because I can’t say "no": "I guess so."

[The next morning...]

Everyone: "So, like, what are you doing today?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Doing what I would have done if you weren't here!"

Me, because I'm a nice person: "Babysitting you-I mean, let's do something?"

Everyone: "Hey, can I use your computer to check my email?"

[The next night...]

Everyone: "So, I called my friend, and he's not around... um... do you think... um... I can stay like another night?"

Me, if I had any balls: "You're a douche and your mama didn't raise you right."

Me: "I guess so."

Everyone: "Thanks, man. Oh, by the way, you're like low on more...

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''