Think Jokes / Recent Jokes

I found this inside a old business card from
Stateside Locker Club, San Diego, CA:
In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her
husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he
went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of
gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally,
sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:
Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown- he does.
Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs.Brown-No he isn't.
Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown-(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown-I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown-No, it is quite handy.
Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown-Almost ten months.
Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first more...

: Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina

If you play with it too much you can go blind.

You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!

Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

The more people use it the bigger it gets.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread more...

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 9;;;;,-;;;;,
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from more...

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

"Dad, Can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."