Thinking Jokes / Recent Jokes

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints more...

Santa: i am thinking to spend my holidays on the moon. what would be the expenditure? Banta: there would be no expenditure in thinking.

Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”

Once all the Sardars get disgusted about the large number of jokes that are cracked about them and so they come together in an auditorium to prove to the world that aren`t that silly after all. They call upon one sardar and ask him, "What is 10 plus 10?" After thinking for some time sardarji replies, "25!" The officials to whom they want to prove get disgusted but thousands of sardars in the auditorium start shouting, "Give him another chance!" So the officials ask him again, "What is 5 plus 5?" The sardar replies after thinking for awhile, "30!" Again there`s shouting from the audience, "Give him another chance!" Another question is posed, "What is 2 plus 2?" The sardarji replies after much thought, "4!" Again there is the voice of a thousand shouts, "Give him another chance!

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Raffles and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to more...

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:
If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
"Yes" and "No" ARE more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he gets his beer
he calls the bartender, and asks him if he's a gambling man.
"It depends," replies the bartender.
"What if I told that I have $100 that says I can bite my own
ear?"
"Bulls@#t!"
So the man takes out his false teeth, and clamps them onto his
ear.
The bartender was pretty P. O. d when he saw that, but he still
gave him the $100.
Then the man tells the bartender that it really wasn't fair of
him to make that bet, since the bartender didn't realize that he had
false teeth, so he offers the bartender a chance to win back his money.
He offers the bartender double or nothing that he can bite his own eye
without removing his false teeth.
"Sure," agrees the bartender, thinking to himself,' there's no
way anybody can bite their own eye.'
Then the man proceeds to remove his glass eye, and bites it.
The more...