Thinking Jokes / Recent Jokes
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.Very grudgingly he agreed.He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if shewould even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and more...
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert more...
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the more...
Thoughts from a school teacher: 1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes. 2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... 3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" 5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. 9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. 10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you more...
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking - "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it more...
A couple of days ago, I was rushing around attempting to do some last minute shopping. At the time, I was very stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season at all.
It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. It was then that I noticed I was missing a receipt that I might need later. Grumbling under my breath, I headed back to the mall entrance.
As I searched the pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. Upon investigating, I found that the crying was coming from a shabbily dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin, had no coat, and was only wearing an old, tattered flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Strangely enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and more...