Though Jokes / Recent Jokes

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. She is now noticing that Husband 1. 0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Husband 1. 0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2. 4, GirlsNight 3. 5 and CocktailNight 7. 0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Husband 1. 0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw more...

I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they know everything. If they only knew how much they bug those of us who really do.
Seriously though, even the best of us have some imperfections. For example, God only granted me average looks; to compensate, He gave me near perfection in brains, talent, wit and charm.
There! See how irritating that can be? Trust me on this one, the thing that increases in size the most on any man when you stroke it is his ego.
Males don't corner the market on ego either. I know a Yuppette whose idea of being unfaithful is turning away from the mirror.
What exactly is an egotist? Easy - it's a person who thinks they're everything you already are.
Senior Managers at the Maryland State Highway had some of the biggest egos I've ever seen. Once during a road opening, a bad thunderstorm started to roll in. At the first loud boom of thunder, five of them stood up and bowed.
The Government is the loser on ego-maniacs though. more...

There is no such thing as child-proofing your houseIf you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can igniteA 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurantIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strongenough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and asuperman capeIt is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a20 by 20 foot roomBaseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up afew times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hitby a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's alreadytoo late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year old man says more...

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".

"What, Triple filter?"

That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right, all right" said Socrates. "So you don't really know whether it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the more...

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.

In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been more...

Ever wondered what heaven looks like?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, more...

Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.
Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check?
Most of the natives in Baltimore aren't very friendly. In fact, if it weren't for muggings, there'd be almost no personal contact.
Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, that's for their own safety & protection.
There's a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
Chivalry isn't dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, "Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next."
In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life - most run however.
Baltimore more...