Though Jokes / Recent Jokes
If operating systems were beer
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you more...
Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look, a bird - ing at a time.
God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
Lord help me be less more...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR's do not more...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Super glue is forever McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water Pool filters do not like Jello VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials more...
This man was walking to his house and saw a tornado and it was coming towards him and then it knocked down his house so he ran and ran and ran then he saw a farm house it looked pretty safe so he ran to it and asked the guy if he could stay there for the night and told him why not then the farmer showed him where he would be staying and said there just one rule he said dont stick your dick through thoes three holes so he said ok but he was curious that night so he stuck his dick though the first hole and said ooo this feels weird then stuck hus dick though the second hole and said ooo oohh this feels so good yes, but he still wanted to feel what was in the third hole so he stuck his dick in it and said aaahhhhhhhh fuckin bitchass mother fukin pice of shit aaaahhhhhh! so he woke up the next morning to see the farmer hovering over him he said you stuck your dick through the three holes didn't ya he said yes and so the farmer said i might as well tell ya what was in the three holes the more...
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of more...
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. Signs are required to be written in English. It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. One man may not be on another man's back. Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words. Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.Acworth: All citizens must own a rake. Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday. Columbus: It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday. Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands. Jonesboro: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" Kennesaw: Every head of more...