Thousand Jokes / Recent Jokes

The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant.
The owner says, "I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin."
So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad.
The accountant responded, "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Then, the lawyer reacted, "What did you do? You gave him all his money?"
The accountant replied, "Yes, I gave him all his money, but I left a personal cheque for the full amount"

Once there was a Accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear.
His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.
Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs.
When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.
'Hmmmm, big job that'. said the stonemason, 'But I suppose I could give you a new step for a ten thousand rupees.'
The accountant was stunned. 'Are you mad, man? I can't pay you that much!'
Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: 'What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new more...

So this guy wants to find a gimmick so he finds a gimmick selling tooth brushes. At one of the conventions one of the guys said i sold 5 thousand tooth brushes and the other guy said i sold 10 thousand tooth brushes and then the gimmick guy stands up and says i sold 4 tooth brushes. One of the guys says just 4. yup just 4 he replies. so after the convention the manager talks to him and says hey you gotta find a gimmick ya know we all got gimmicks, so he says ok. And in the next convention one guy says i sold 50 thousand tooth brushes and the other guy says i sold 100 thousand tooth brushes and the gimmick guy stands up and says well i sold 4 million tooth brushes and the worker says you mean 4? NO, 4 million so the worker asked well how did you do that? Well i went to the mall set up a stand got some chips and some dip. a shopper tastes and says " wow this tastes like shit. The gimmick guy replies it is wanna buy a toothbrush?

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm more...

One night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks "where did you get that?" The other guy replies "See that guy at the end of the bar? He's a geinie, and he'll grant you a wish!" So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player "I think he has a hearing problem" The guy exclaimed "Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?"

My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from stalking you.

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars."

Abe replies "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you....

Sam interrupts "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard... A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers "Eleven years"