Through Jokes / Recent Jokes
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard more...
Golfing Hitman
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say,' 'Sure.''
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.
The guy says,' 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.''
So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says,' 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?'' The hit man replies,' 'Sure.''
So the guy looks for a second and says,' 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. more...
The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".
"That should have worked", said the friend."
He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
> restaurant.
>
> The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a
> conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat
all
> of
> it?" "Mais oui!,
> of course!" responds the Frenchman.
> "Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest
we
> collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What
> comes out are little breads that we sell in France.
>
> "And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"
> "Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.
> "You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat
the
> meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers,
take
> to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little more...
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.Most dogs are immortal.If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before more...
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called'Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.
They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.
Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under more...