Thy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Cesium

Cesium,' tis of thee,
Thy' positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

---Songs of Cesium #65

Cesium the Beautiful

Oh beautiful for blue of skies,
Among thy spectral lines.
When cast upon the waters clear,
Thy splendid fire shines.
Oh Cesium,
Oh Cesium,
Our days we trust to thee.
Thy faultless rhyme,
In keeping time,
From care doth set us free.

---Songs of Cesium #68

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN.

1> "Hie thee away, scoundrel, lest this metallic vessel be oped; its whoop-ass forthwith unleash'd."

2> "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For verily, thou art a douche-bag!"

3> "Unbridled envy wouldst thine ample codpiece inspire, save that it concealeth naught but a minnow."

4> "Get thee to a nunnery! For next to nun, methinks, is thy prospect of victory."

5> "Faugh! Thy putrid exhale couldst topple the carrion fowl from off his perch, atop a cart with human refuse laden."

6> "Thou mewling swag-bellied scullion! Thou wretched folly-fallen cutpurse! Most grievously doth thy visage offend the eye, thou droning flap-mouthed pignut!"

7> "Behind yon mask of red and gold, what coxcomb struts and frets in dainty tights, unswell'd by manly cord?"

8> "Of fruitless issue is thy ill-spoken slander! For elastic is my composition, whilst more...

The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare

15>' How about a little Puck?'

14>' Of course,' Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady.'

13>' Et tu, Cutie?'

12>' Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?'

11>' If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?'

10>' Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?'

9>' My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.'

8>' Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the

evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.'

7>' Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?'

6>' Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!'

5>' Greetings to you, fair sailor.'

4>' But soft, what light through yonder trousers more...