Ticket Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman was pulled over by West Virginia State Highway Patrolmen, for speeding.
When the officer approaches the car, the is hoping to get out of the ticket, so she asks, "So can I buy tickets to the west virgina highway patrol's ball?"
The officer answers "Ma'am, west virginia highway patrol men don't have balls."
Suffice to say, the woman did not get a ticket.

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man, "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. I have to get on this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and I'm sure that I will fall asleep. So, what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here is 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up, I get really violent, but no matter what I do or say, you have to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later, as the man had said,he did fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man, that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.

"Are you stupid or something? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't! I want my money back you more...

The following are actual incidents reported...#1A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.#2A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.#3A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. more...

Two elderly priests and a young novitiate were at the railway station to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh.
The young lady selling tickets was very pretty, and was wearing a rather low-cut dress which showed her ample mammaries to great advantage.
The novitiate approached the ticket booth and said, "Three tickets to Tittsville, please." "How dare you?" remonstrated the ticket seller.
The young novitiate blushes and retires in confusion, so one of the priests says, "Allow me. Three pickets to Tittsburgh, and please may I have the change in nipples an dimes."
He also retreats in embarrasment, so the eldest priest attempts to calm the now angry ticket seller.
"Three tickets to Pittsburgh, please, and you should cover up more than you are, or Saint Finger is going to shake his peter at you!"

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a more...

...Las Vegas continues to come up with interesting promotions in order to attract business. I stopped at a gas station next to a gentleman's club that advertised "Free Sex w/ Fill-up." I pulled up next to the pump, paid the attractive attendant, and was given a ticket that i could redeem around the back of the station. When I got there there was a big, burly, gnarly looking dude by the door. I asked him if he was the ticket taker and he replied, "No. I'm Philip."