Times Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22 Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2' Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30 Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18 Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22 Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24 Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

The other day I was scanning the food sections of three newspapers – the New York Times, the Washington Post and the Boston Globe. All had articles on Middle Eastern cuisine, albeit from different cultural demographics. The Times focused on the Sephardic Jewish cooking, the Post on the foods prepared by the Catholic and Orthodox populations, and the Globe went for the Ramadan meals for Muslims.

And guess what – the Jews, Christians and Muslims were all eating the same thing! In fact, all three articles interviewed people from the same part of the region (the Syrian city of Aleppo).

To which I say to these groups: Just go into a kitchen together and start cooking – you’ll see how much you genuinely have in common. Forget about sending Condi Rice to the Middle East...send Rachael Ray and have her get the warring parties around a stove. We’d have both peace and dinner in less than 30 minutes!

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but more...

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,' 'Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis.''

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says,' 'Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!'' He replies,' 'Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it.''

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 [I don't know what version the author was referring to] words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more more...

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassingproblem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, andthey have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less thantwenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day forseven days and comeback and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, Idon't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm fartingjust as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say foryourself?". " Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixedyoursinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day! more...