Times Jokes / Recent Jokes
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I Committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in more...
A lady walking down the street one day saw a man walking towards her. The man was talking to himself, waving his arms around his head and jumping up and down three times. He repeated this several times. The lady asked the man what he was doing? The man replied I am keeping the pink elephants away.
The lady replied, "Why? There are no pink elephants around here."
The man replied, "I know, works great doesn't it?"
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I knocked several times, but you weren`t in. - Opportunity
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let`s call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think... therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I`ve got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I`m a drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you`re explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3 Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30 Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10 Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2 Scientists see quakes in L. A. future: The Oregonian, January 28 Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26 Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26 Prosecution paints O. J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25 Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse you wrote 'Three times a week and your wife 'Three times a night."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."
TOP 10 REASONS BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...
10. It is legal to play professionally
9. You can count on it at least 4 times a week
8. You have a coach to tell you when to advance
7. When you are tired, you always get relieved
6. If you strike out once, you still have at least 2 more times to get a hit
5. Up to 4 people can score at once
4. Pop ups are frequent
3. 30,000 people cheer when you score
2. After 7 innings, you get to stretch
1. You can get a homerun without any foreplay