Times Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look
for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition
to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband
will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish,
she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes
only for me."
So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the more...

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967. 7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and more...

Joe and Mabel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Mabel, I've been wondering," Joe says, "have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Joe, why would you ask such a question now?" Mabel replies. "You really don't want to ask that question... "
"Yes, Mabel, I really want to know. Please," insists Joe.
"Well, all right, dear. Yes, three times," Mabel confesses.
"Three times? When were they?" asks Joe.
"Well, dear, remember when you were 30 and wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan?" Mabel says. "Remember how the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Mabel, you did that for me! I respect you more than ever, to do such a thing for me," Joe says. "So, when was number 2?"
"Well, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were seriously in need more...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L. A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something more...

hree elderly men visited the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first one, "What's three times three?"
"285!" the man replied.
Worried, the doctor turned to the second man. "How about you? What's three times three?"
"Uh, Monday!" the second man shouted.
Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the third man. "Well, what do you say? What's three times three?"
"Nine!" the third man replied.
"Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?"
"Oh, it's pretty simple," the man explained. "You just subtract the 285 from Monday!"

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me,' What's 3 times 2', and I said' 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me,' What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?"

The boys says, "Well that's what I said!"

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