Tire Jokes / Recent Jokes

Santa is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Santa is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Santa was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Santa is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Santa is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Stupid people should have to wear signsthat just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? Youwouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn'tsee your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved.Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comesover and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once ortwice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishingwith a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringerof bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?""Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal showson the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's onlyone way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark more...

Rejected Hallmark Cards: So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!' Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95? You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

    Stupid people should have to wear signsthat just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? Youwouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn'tsee your sign."
    It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comesover and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once ortwice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
    A couple of months ago I went fishingwith a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big' ol stringerof bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?""Nope - talked' em into giving up. Here's your sign."
    I was watching one of those animal showson the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's onlyone way to test it. more...

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing more...

Bonkistry Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion yearsby Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately knownas "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it pasthim to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there werethese two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on allof the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into thefinal they had a solid A.These two friends were so confident going into the final that theweekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangoversand everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back toDuke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain tohim why they missed the final. They told him more...

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a good year and the other is a great year!